Saturday, November 12, 2005


Ah Saturday... a day to relax, Kick back and enjoy the companyof your loved ones.
Today I experienced the joy of Bra-shopping, followed by the glee of getting fitted for a Bridesmaid (-matron?!) dress. The Bra shopping was tolerable, except fo the saleswoman who pointed out "The Oprah Bra" to me and then proceeded to ignore me completely. I don't care what bra Oprah wears, though I am aware that 90% of the female population of the earth does. I do not own Oprah's Boobies, therefore I don't give a damn which bra puts them in their socially acceptable position. I do however, care that I walked into the big schmancy store and because I didn't look like whatever pre-concieved picture the saleswoman had in her mind as a person who deserves to be helped, I was brushed off and left to fend for myself. I didn't feel bad at all when I pushed the Monkey's stroller through the barely-big enough aisle between a bunch of bras and knocked some off with the side of the stroller. If they don't wanna help me, then they can pick the bras up when I leave a trail because you made me have to push that damn stroller through the precious aisles of your lingerie department. I feel a little better now.

Then I went to the cosmic-fart-cloud which is known as a Bridal dress store. They took me to the back, measured me in three places and charged me a couple hundred bucks for a dress which I was not even shown. Now, I am not a Small, or even Medium sized person- I have been blessed with a love of food and the Boobs to hold it, so I had to buy a tent and they'll take it in when it gets here. I was informed that for the Tent-sized dresses, there is an extra $30.00 charge- I assume it's for the extra 2-6 inches of fabric it takes to get a dress around tent-sized people. I notice, however, that most companies have no problem charging adult prices for Children's clothes. Perhaps I should begin informing people that I take a $30.00 discount for any size below a misses size 0. Mind you, I am not bothered by my size, and I think that most people would consider me to be sized appropriately for a 31 year old woman with an E cup. So the numerical value of the Dress size is not of consequence- it's that extra $30.00 they expect I should be embarrased enough to cough up without argument. "Hey, you obviously have extra money for all that cookie dough, so gimme an extra $30.00 for having to associate with people like you." I almost feel totally better now.

Now, let's talk about being a bridesmaid. First, you are told what you must wear, (sometimes) all the way from hair to shoes. You are expected to pay for this honor- (sometimes) including airfare and hotel and rental car, etc. Your job is to google appropirately on the Big Day and cater to the every need of the Bride. I now see that the rehearsal dinner and the reception are the least the Bride and Groom can do to say thanks for eating beans-and-franks for two months to pay for the priviledge of standing in a line on a stage for an hour. One thing's for sure- I'm gonna get real drunk at that reception- especially if there's an open bar!

Whew! Now gimme a cigarette!

A Mother's Love

I give her all the good French fries and I eat the pointy ones, the tiny ones and the ones with bits of Potato Eye on them.